But you're just trouble

How can I know myself so well and be so self aware and yet feel like I barely know who I am at all. 

Recently it’s been getting to me a lot… life… my lack of purpose. I should have had it all sorted out by now. My life, my love life, my own head… but no.

Everything is starting to feel a bit hopeless.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d have had a gun would I have ended it already? It’s not like I haven’t tried in the past.. but I guess I didn’t try very hard. I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to try it in such an definite way. 

I think that’s a good thing… not having the balls is rather a lot like not being entirely sure, and not being sure must mean that you still have some hope. 

But I feel like depression has ruined my life at times… it’s not something that goes away. It gets better but it always comes back. But I do wonder if my depression has caused the crap in my life or if the crap has caused the depression and in that sense I wonder where I need to even start to try and make things better at times. It’s pretty much a vicious circle.

I hear it a lot… I’m here for you if you need to talk, both from friends and complete strangers. Which is nice… but it’s too strange for me. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Saying that, people sometimes confuse my ramblings on tumblr as me talking to people… it’s not.. what you are reading is a crazy person talking to themselves.

I find it much easier to ramble to no-one in particular than to actually open up to one person… and waiting for a reaction or something. This, in a very bizarre way is a lot more impersonal… I kinda like it that way. 

I know this will pass and I know I’ll be fine… sometimes a little emotional spewing is necessary though.