But you're just trouble

Sometimes I wonder…

If money was no problem, where would I go? And more importantly, would I actually go anywhere? would I have the guts to leave?

I think part of me likes being the loner simply because I know that my parents are always here for me… my sister lives less than two miles away… my best friend lives one street away. 

And yet I choose to be by myself most of the time.

It would be a lot different if I moved to a big city, New York, Tokyo… I really would be alone then.

I’ve always wanted to escape… but I feel like one of those animals you see on the television being released into the wild, the ones that just stiff at the entrance of their box and then refuse to move because they are scared. 

I remember when I was going through the process and thinking of applying for university with the rest of my classmates. About 80% of them where staying here in N.Ireland and the rest where wanting to go Down South, Scotland or England… 

And there was me looking at places in America and Canada, one of my friends saw me looking at one particular website and seemed completely baffled… “America? wow, America though? Can you even do that?”

“Well assuming they would accept me then yes of course it’s an option, but that is if they accept me. But then you have to take into consideration getting a visa, where to live, how you would get there, my family, my friends, my boyfriend and more importantly… the amount of money it would cost”

And there we are, back to the original issue… would I have packed it all in and left if I’d have had the money?

I was scared…. I still am scared of the idea. I’m scared of failure and having to come back with my tail between my legs completely defeated. It’s easier to watch a boxing match than to be a part of it… it’s easier to do nothing than to try and ultimately fail. But then again, some people say it’s the journey you take not the end destination that’s important. Maybe some things are worth the risk, some things are worth failing just for the experience. 

But still, I know what kind of person I am… It would probably make me feel like killing myself if I tried so hard only for something not to work.

I feel like if I ever manage to get my shit together to make a leap like that, there will be no looking back. It’s all or nothing.